The Dark Before the Dawn

As I mentioned in my last post, this year has brought a lot of the feels. There have been amazing things. I put a book out which actually some people have purchased (in all likelihood as hate gifts for others). I also got to see my son turn one-year-old, and each day he brings more joy and amazement to my life. I traveled to the UK, which was unbelievable. I want to go to there more.

At the same time, it’s been rough waters. Something that’s been particularly hard is that America’s government seems hellbent on destroying the planet. This isn’t a party thing, at least not completely. I voted for Obama in part because I thought he took climate change seriously and would seek to do something about it. Ultimately, his administration did little more than talk about it and acknowledge that it’s a severe threat. But not much happened. Now more is happening, and it’s truly awful, particularly the continued denial of science and the ignorance of the fact that the health of humanity is directly tied to that of the planet. 

To be brutally honest, one of my biggest fears regarding having a child was the thought of what kind of earth he would live in/on. Would polar bears be extinct? Would Florida be underwater? Would he actually experience four seasons? I know probably not many people fret over these things, but I did and continue to. Because how can I say I love him and fail to give him the best life possible regarding, especially, his health and the health of the world around him? 

So, I know I need to be more active in speaking about care of creation, my justice issue. I also know I need to have more hope. This is, to use a somewhat hackneyed phrase, a God-sized problem. And while I certainly need to be more active and speak out, I recognize that I can’t make a dent in this problem on my own. I need trust that God who created all that exists will protect and care for it, one way or another. 

One of my favorite musicians is a guy named Andrew Peterson. I’ve loved his music for over a decade. He’s an extraordinary songwriter, and there’s perhaps no one who expresses my feelings better than him through his songs. It’s also the case that if he walked by you right now you probably wouldn’t know it. He and many of his friends, are completely under-appreciated in the music scene, even in Nashville where most of them live. But, I also think they would prefer it be this way because they aren’t really looking to be played on “Christian radio.” They write songs about doubt and suffering and themes that aren’t all that “family friendly.” They aren’t out to make it; they are out to make amazing music, and they do. My wife and I go to a concert pretty much every year called “Behold The Lamb of God” that Andrew and his friends wrote and perform annually. It’s incredible, and before they play through the album, they each take turns playing some of their own songs. This year Andrew played “The Dark Before the Dawn”  which I think he has played several times before. But it hit me in a new way this time. You need to listen to the song. I think it puts into perfect words what we are experiencing now. There is some incredible darkness and greed and abuse happening. But, at the same time, people are rising and waking up. American society is changing and power structures are shifting. There is pain and there will continue to be pain. But, as Andrew sings, “This is pain before the balm,” and also, “The tears before the song.” 

Let’s start singing. 

I'm Back, Baby!

How on earth is it a week until Christmas? There’s not even a description for the warp speed with which the last few weeks and months have raced. But I made a promise to write more posts this year than I did last year, so there is precious time to waste. That kinda rhymed. I didn’t intend for that to happen.

One of the reasons I haven’t been writing is overall depression - both clinical and general. I don’t think I’ve written much about my depression and anxiety on this blog, but that will be changing. I’m coming out of the “crazy closet” as I call it, and you’ll be hearing much more about this side of my life. I’m sure you’ll hate it, but whatever.

So, around mid-August I fell back into a really rough patch of d/a (depression/anxiety). Had to go back on medication which then had to be tweaked a bit. There was a longer adjustment period than I thought there would be. But I have been mostly good for a little over a month. At the same time, my general depression about what’s going on in American culture and society has teetered back and forth from slight hope to utter despair. More mass shootings and more inaction about it being at all the fault of guns. Pure and complete dumbassedness coming from Washington in general and the White House in particular. Maybe America’s on the brink of nuclear war - who actually knows? Then all of the accusations of sexual assault or inappropriate conduct, which I am overwhelmingly glad about in that people are finding their voice and feeling empowered to speak out about what has happened to them. Also, it’s depressing when it focuses on people you liked, even admired.

Then, Roy Moore. I mean the whole thing brings out so many emotions. I’ll admit, I haven’t been a fan of the guy from the jump. I completely feel like he’s an egomaniac who exploited the religious convictions (which I consider misdirected) of people in order to carve out this weird niche of fame. He’s a judge who isn’t actually a judge because he doesn’t understand the law - but some people think he’s being persecuted for his faith. Then, the allegations start, and it’s got to be game over, right? Nope. And yes, he lost, even though apparently no one (including Almighty God apparently) has told him yet. But over half a million people voted for him. In that figure is an overwhelming population of white, male, “evangelicals.” So, what do I do with this as a white, male pastor? I have to end my silence. I’ve been behaving too much lately. One of my closest friends - practically a second father - pointed this out to me. I need to start breathing fire again. Not for my own sake, but for the sake of those continually being hurt and/or misled by the Church and wolves in shepherd’s clothing.

So, the writing starts again as will more speaking out and likely even direct support of candidates. I have always had an uneasy feeling about the whole church/state thing. But the group that hasn’t had an uneasy feeling has done some terrible shit. So, damn the torpedoes. Let’s roll.