The Dark Before the Dawn

As I mentioned in my last post, this year has brought a lot of the feels. There have been amazing things. I put a book out which actually some people have purchased (in all likelihood as hate gifts for others). I also got to see my son turn one-year-old, and each day he brings more joy and amazement to my life. I traveled to the UK, which was unbelievable. I want to go to there more.

At the same time, it’s been rough waters. Something that’s been particularly hard is that America’s government seems hellbent on destroying the planet. This isn’t a party thing, at least not completely. I voted for Obama in part because I thought he took climate change seriously and would seek to do something about it. Ultimately, his administration did little more than talk about it and acknowledge that it’s a severe threat. But not much happened. Now more is happening, and it’s truly awful, particularly the continued denial of science and the ignorance of the fact that the health of humanity is directly tied to that of the planet. 

To be brutally honest, one of my biggest fears regarding having a child was the thought of what kind of earth he would live in/on. Would polar bears be extinct? Would Florida be underwater? Would he actually experience four seasons? I know probably not many people fret over these things, but I did and continue to. Because how can I say I love him and fail to give him the best life possible regarding, especially, his health and the health of the world around him? 

So, I know I need to be more active in speaking about care of creation, my justice issue. I also know I need to have more hope. This is, to use a somewhat hackneyed phrase, a God-sized problem. And while I certainly need to be more active and speak out, I recognize that I can’t make a dent in this problem on my own. I need trust that God who created all that exists will protect and care for it, one way or another. 

One of my favorite musicians is a guy named Andrew Peterson. I’ve loved his music for over a decade. He’s an extraordinary songwriter, and there’s perhaps no one who expresses my feelings better than him through his songs. It’s also the case that if he walked by you right now you probably wouldn’t know it. He and many of his friends, are completely under-appreciated in the music scene, even in Nashville where most of them live. But, I also think they would prefer it be this way because they aren’t really looking to be played on “Christian radio.” They write songs about doubt and suffering and themes that aren’t all that “family friendly.” They aren’t out to make it; they are out to make amazing music, and they do. My wife and I go to a concert pretty much every year called “Behold The Lamb of God” that Andrew and his friends wrote and perform annually. It’s incredible, and before they play through the album, they each take turns playing some of their own songs. This year Andrew played “The Dark Before the Dawn”  which I think he has played several times before. But it hit me in a new way this time. You need to listen to the song. I think it puts into perfect words what we are experiencing now. There is some incredible darkness and greed and abuse happening. But, at the same time, people are rising and waking up. American society is changing and power structures are shifting. There is pain and there will continue to be pain. But, as Andrew sings, “This is pain before the balm,” and also, “The tears before the song.” 

Let’s start singing. 

I'm Back, Baby!

How on earth is it a week until Christmas? There’s not even a description for the warp speed with which the last few weeks and months have raced. But I made a promise to write more posts this year than I did last year, so there is precious time to waste. That kinda rhymed. I didn’t intend for that to happen.

One of the reasons I haven’t been writing is overall depression - both clinical and general. I don’t think I’ve written much about my depression and anxiety on this blog, but that will be changing. I’m coming out of the “crazy closet” as I call it, and you’ll be hearing much more about this side of my life. I’m sure you’ll hate it, but whatever.

So, around mid-August I fell back into a really rough patch of d/a (depression/anxiety). Had to go back on medication which then had to be tweaked a bit. There was a longer adjustment period than I thought there would be. But I have been mostly good for a little over a month. At the same time, my general depression about what’s going on in American culture and society has teetered back and forth from slight hope to utter despair. More mass shootings and more inaction about it being at all the fault of guns. Pure and complete dumbassedness coming from Washington in general and the White House in particular. Maybe America’s on the brink of nuclear war - who actually knows? Then all of the accusations of sexual assault or inappropriate conduct, which I am overwhelmingly glad about in that people are finding their voice and feeling empowered to speak out about what has happened to them. Also, it’s depressing when it focuses on people you liked, even admired.

Then, Roy Moore. I mean the whole thing brings out so many emotions. I’ll admit, I haven’t been a fan of the guy from the jump. I completely feel like he’s an egomaniac who exploited the religious convictions (which I consider misdirected) of people in order to carve out this weird niche of fame. He’s a judge who isn’t actually a judge because he doesn’t understand the law - but some people think he’s being persecuted for his faith. Then, the allegations start, and it’s got to be game over, right? Nope. And yes, he lost, even though apparently no one (including Almighty God apparently) has told him yet. But over half a million people voted for him. In that figure is an overwhelming population of white, male, “evangelicals.” So, what do I do with this as a white, male pastor? I have to end my silence. I’ve been behaving too much lately. One of my closest friends - practically a second father - pointed this out to me. I need to start breathing fire again. Not for my own sake, but for the sake of those continually being hurt and/or misled by the Church and wolves in shepherd’s clothing.

So, the writing starts again as will more speaking out and likely even direct support of candidates. I have always had an uneasy feeling about the whole church/state thing. But the group that hasn’t had an uneasy feeling has done some terrible shit. So, damn the torpedoes. Let’s roll.

Love Defeats Bullies

When I look at what compels me to write it is sadly often in the aftermath of some violent attack. Perhaps as a pastor and one who seeks to offer healing I am hardwired or programmed to offer some sort of balm in the midst of tragedy. I don’t pretend that I often know what I’m doing. I do my best to avoid ending up like the “friends” in the biblical book of Job who end up offering really no comfort at all to someone whose world is coming apart at the seams. Often I am working out my words while typing or saying them because a wise professor taught me that much suffering takes people to a place where words end. 

So it must be for those still grieving in Portland. After the attacks on the MAX a few days ago many are no doubt frightened and overwhelmed. This is the aim and result of terror. What has stood out to me is that this story does have a different spin. Two of the men who died and one who was wounded were standing up to the crazed rantings of a bully. This is my decision about the best way to characterize the attacker. Anyone who shouts hatred at a person for their skin color or religion or sex or sexual orientation or any other characteristic (regardless of how much or little that characteristic is true or defines that person) is a bully. So this bully was confronted and he reacted violently in a way that ended the lives of two people and will no doubt alter the lives of many more. Apparently he has been quoted as saying, “I hope everyone I stabbed died.” Please balance this against the alleged last words of one of the victims,Taliesin Myrddin Namkai-Meche, who said, “Tell everyone on this train I love them.”

Bullying presents problems for a society. It should be combatted with all the resources a culture has at its disposal. Victims of bullying can turn into bullies themselves and set about doing harm to somehow payback what was done to them. I remember when the killings at Columbine High School happened and many of us were told that those responsible had been bullied. I have been bullied, and I have also bullied others. I have worked with bullies and remained silent. I fear that American culture is built too much on the myth that the only way to counter a bully is with force and to return violence with more violence. I also fear that bullies are too often allowed to continue their behavior which is sometimes spun as success. There will sadly be some people who celebrate the actions of the bully in Portland because they share his warped ideology or nonsensical xenophobia. There are those who choose his way of death as opposed to the way of love and life. Death never wins, and it won’t defeat bullies. Only love has any shot of turning someone’s hatred in on itself. 

I often think about Lakeshore, the camp which has formed so much of my identity, when I think about solutions to the world’s deepest hurts. I try to pattern the campus ministry I lead after the lessons of love and inclusion I learned at camp. What generally sticks with me most is that, as far as I could tell, everyone at camp was included and loved. Campers who had disabilities were reminded regularly that God and we (the camp leaders and staff) love them fully. There were also special camps for those who had suffered abuse or were coming from difficult situations and therefore needed special attention. I worked one summer in a more focused way with that camp, and bullying was something we fought daily with love. I have said to many people that if everyone had the experience that I had and that we all sought to provide at Lakeshore, the world wouldn’t have nearly as much and perhaps not any violence. When everyone is treated with love, dignity, and grace hatred suffocates and hurting someone else is unimaginable. I hope the people of Portland will continue to respond with love in the face of this tragedy and may we all follow their example. 

It Matters A Great Deal

The United Methodist denomination is currently in the midst of a church trial regarding the election of Bishop Karen Oliveto. Actually, a ruling was just handed down by the Judicial Council. Many are still dissecting the ruling, and its actual force and effect might take some time to shake out. But here’s something that’s struck me throughout all of this: we are pretty inconsistent when our speech is measured against our words. Here’s what I mean by this. Many of us say things like “We aren’t about labeling people” and “One’s race/sex/sexuality doesn’t define him or her.” And yet, every story I read about Bishop Oliveto including press releases and statements from church leaders referred to her as “lesbian bishop…” or “first openly gay bishop…” Hmmm. 

Now, I understand that Bishop Oliveto’s sexuality is precisely what has brought about the church trial. However, the continued referencing of her primarily in terms of her sexuality indicates to me that, for many, the only thing that matters about her is that she is a lesbian. This perpetuates an improper and unhealthy fixation with someone’s sexuality. It also ignores a primary Christian claim, namely that while we have identity markers (nationality/race/sex/sexuality) these are not and cannot be our primary identity because of our baptism in Christ Jesus. This is what I understand Paul to be saying in Galatians 3:28. I think this passage is often misunderstood as if Paul is saying these categories (Jew/Greek, slave/free, male/female) cease to exist. Well, that’s of course nonsense. Clearly I am still a male after I am baptized, and I will continue to have identity markers. But I don’t introduce myself as “straight white male pastor David Hollis.” Maybe Bishop Oliveto does introduced herself at parties with “Hello. I’m the first openly gay bishop, Karen Oliveto.” But I highly doubt it. So to have virtually everyone else call her this puts that identity before her primary one - Karen Oliveto, baptized child of God. 

I don’t think most of the people who are labeling her in this way are intending harm. It’s a social construct - I think particularly in the South. To this day I will still have people say “This black minister so and so” or “That asian gentlemen who was with you.” I don’t think they even know there is anything wrong with what they are doing, because it’s usually just what they’ve learned. Then again, there are many practices that we learn which hurt and dehumanize others. So “that’s how I learned to talk” can’t be a valid excuse for long. It’s also the case that sometimes it is necessary to describe someone with their race or nationality in order to distinguish them. If someone asks, “Who was that gentleman you were speaking with after the board meeting?” If there is just one person I spoke with, I likely know who they are talking about. But if I spoke with several gentlemen, maybe we will have to get a description. And at some point, that description may involve color or another marker of that person’s identity. So, I get that. But once again, the way we use words matters a great deal. It isn’t just what we say, it’s how we say it. And it’s disingenuous to say labels don’t matter when we use them to such a degree.

So, either go all in, and always introduce everyone with as full a description as possible: “This is my single, Jewish friend Jesus” or leave it out from the first line of someone’s name and get there when and if you need to get there. 

I Have Found Joy

Over a decade ago I was spending my first summer in seminary serving as an intern at Davidson UMC in North Carolina. It was a wonderful experience all around. The senior pastor at the time was really into the Enneagram, and I was fine being a guinea pig. I also like those kinds of “tests.” So I took it, and my results made me angry. Actually, I am still confused about my results because I have heard different explanations as to the interpretation of the Enneagram. But as I recall, I am a seven - The Joyful Person. And that pissed me right off. 

I wanted to get “wise” or “loving” or something that did some good. Not joyful. What the hell is that? I thought it was self-referential as well. I mean, if I’m mad at being labeled “the joyful person” then it stands to reason the test is wrong. So it sat with me for a while. And the more I considered it, I think the test was accurate. 

There has always been something within me that seeks joy. I think the confusion I had is that joy is not the same thing as happiness—especially pointless, saccharine sentimentality. I hate that shit. I don’t seek or find most things cute, particularly when it comes to faith, God, and all that jazz. I have moved away from liking/wanting crosses generally. But if I get one, I want a crucifix or one that is plain wood. Something decorative and pretty makes no sense to me. I guess to me it’s about beauty and the way I see it beauty and joy seem to go hand in hand. 

I also think that joy has an urgency attached to it. This is why I have developed a total intolerance to wasting anyone’s time, especially my own. If I answer the phone and it is someone selling something I hang up immediately. “That’s so rude!” you might scream at me. I don’t care. It’s rude to waste my time and that person’s with the few seconds of explanation/haggling that will likely need to occur for you to feel I’m less rude. And the end result is the same. If I want to buy something, I’ll let you know. Don’t worry about getting in touch with me. If there are meetings that are pointless or become so, I don’t go to them or I leave them. This might imperil my job eventually, but I think I have a pretty good alibi since John Wesley had a strong stance against the wasting of time. I drive really fast, and I hate stoplights worse than grim death. In fact, the two are now the same for me. 

For the past few months, I have been in this fog. It’s mostly a “what the hell is actually happening?” situation. It seems to me that America is pursuing a time warp back to more racist and sexist times. Those with power are clinging to this longing for a Mayberry existence that wasn’t then and isn’t now in touch with reality. There are plenty who will do all within their power to slow the inevitable progress of a multicultural society. And yes, they have lots of money and influence. But, as Yeats put it, the center cannot hold. Something indeed is slouching toward Bethlehem, and it’s an awakening. People (more of them at least) are calling out the bullshit and those who peddle it (especially for a living). So when a close friend of mine feels that a couple of old, racist brothers who have more money than God are going to actually run the world, I used to get really depressed. But now I just laugh. Because I read a book by Archbishop Desmond Tutu to my son tonight. And in the world Tutu writes about - the world of Easter, there is no stopping joy. Joy will win.

I Would Like To Do A Radio Show

In addition to being Palm Sunday, yesterday was the day “projections” were announced in my conferences of the United Methodist Church. Let me back up in case you are new to/completely unaware of this. 

In the UMC, pastors are under appointment of a bishop (who is also a pastor BTW—but one who has been given and accepted authority to oversee other pastors). So once a year the bishop shares with the pastors in her region whether or not they are moving, as appointments of service in the UMC currently are still year to year. These are called projections because they are not “fixed” (finalized) until the meeting of an entire regional body called Annual Conference. Basically, it’s when pastors announce to congregations if they are staying or leaving and if they are leaving they can share where they are likely going. But wow the jargon. You just don’t realize it until it’s all right in front of you. 

So, because I am the way I am this all fascinates me. It is especially interesting to a dork like me because when you move one pastor it sets in motion a series of moves because someone has to come into the position that is being vacated. One move can potentially bring about four or five others—especially when people retire (which they are doing at alarming rates). This is also interesting to me because I like to predict who will go where, and then once things happen I am either shocked that I got something so wrong or pleased that I was correct. It all ends up being like sports with different players and coaches going to different teams. 

It occurred to me today that I want to do a radio show about this next year. It seems like it would be perfect to broadcast the news as it comes in and also share commentary like “Billy is moving to St. Bart’s in Dyersburg where he will be following the pastor who baptized him when he was growing up in Fulton.” 

I need to start working on sponsorships, but this seems like pure gold to me.

We Are "the Environment"

Like most profound things I have heard, I can’t remember where I heard it first. Maybe it was Wendell Berry. It’s definitely something I think he would say. Either way, the saying has stuck with me, and it continues to shape my thinking and behaving on a daily basis. It goes something like this: there’s no such thing as “the environment.” 

What does this mean? Well, the most basic understanding is that there is not this separate entity known as “the environment” that exists somewhere. It doesn’t live in George Clooney’s attic or basement. It doesn’t prefer The Beatles to Elvis. For it, commercials for Cialis are not the single most annoying thing on the planet. But all of this is true only because there is no such thing as “the environment.”

It’s seemingly the case that a group of people invented “the environment” to argue whether we should care about it or not and if so how much and if a lot how. But of course this is all preposterous because it doesn’t exist. It can’t possibly exist because what these people (politicians it seems usually) are arguing about includes water, soil, air, trees, animals, and, ya know, all the things that live and make life possible. And by “life” I should say “all life” including yours and mine. Because you see friends, we as humans are creatures. 

I know, it’s weird. It seems like we should have evolved beyond being creatures when Taco Bell started serving breakfast or when the Ryan Gosling/Macaulay Culkin shirt feud/love affair changed all time and space forever. But in fact, all the stuff you learned about mammals in second grade (maybe?) still applies, and all of it applies to us, who are, actually mammals. Our offspring are born live. We have hair. We drink milk. We are warm-blooded. And yes, we are, completely and totally animals. Which means we need food and water and air to survive. And if any of those things end up being poison, that’s really not good at all for us. Because, once again, we’re animals/mammals/creatures. 

So it’s really quite bizarre to have an argument about whether or not to care for and protect “the environment,” because how can there be another side? Do you like breathing? Anyone love drinking poison? Want to eat some rancid meat? It’s silly because “the environment” is not this separate thing we can choose to care about, because it doesn’t exist. We are “the environment.”

These Times Demand Honest Teaching

Like many Christians I have been concerned over the most faithful ways to live as a citizen in a country that seems to be off the rails in several ways. I have long since considered myself a beloved child of God first and foremost, and while my American citizenship certainly informs my identity I do not believe it can ever be my primary identity. For it to be my primary identity would, to me, mean that my baptism into the death and resurrection of Christ makes no sense. Because, after all, I was not baptized into an American identity or that of any nation - but rather a holy kingdom, not made with hands. 

So how do I live faithfully in these times as a disciple of Christ in America, perhaps particularly as a pastor and university professor of Old Testament? For me the answer lies in responding to the reaction of Franklin Graham regarding the recent “travel ban.” While I do admit that quoting Graham as saying “immigration is not a Bible issue” is taking him somewhat out of context (full quote here) the underlying message of what he says displays a lack of engagement with the Bible, particularly on a theological level. As has been pointed out numerous times, one of the main commands throughout the Old Testament/Hebrew Bible is hospitality for and care of the orphan, widow, and sojourner/alien in your midst. Moreover, Graham seems to have an identity crisis by confusing his identity as a child of God (which I believe he most certainly is) with his identity as an American. At the end of the quote he says, “We need to be very careful.” Who is the “we” in this quote? Christians are not called by Jesus to be “very careful” in any passage I can find. They are called to be wise and discerning - but mostly against false prophets and those who would lead them astray from doing the things God calls them to do like showing hospitality for and care of the orphan, widow, and sojourner/alien in your midst. In fact, one of the stories Jesus tells about people who are “very careful” involves a priest and a Levite (two religious professionals) steering clear of a man beaten for dead and lying in a ditch. Their care is not praised, it is condemned as unfaithful. 

Graham’s position confirms a deep fear of mine: even those who have been most exposed to the Bible (as he most certainly has been) seem not to understand much of what it is teaching. And at the same time I am hopeful, because I see more and more of my colleagues and friends - particularly on social media - pointing out that the Bible and theology teaches followers of Christ to love unconditionally. I do believe that the tide is turning from merely hearing the Bible to engaging with it on a critical level, and these are certainly times when honest teaching of the Bible and theology are necessary.

I have a mentor who is a retired pastor. He served faithfully and tirelessly in ministry. After the massacre at Sandy Hook we had coffee together. He lamented the state of the Christian Church and confessed his feelings that he and his peers had not done enough to speak out against racism, sexism, hatred, and fear. He specifically mentioned being a pastor during the Civil Rights Movement and not challenging his congregations more honestly with the teachings of Jesus. He said he felt as though he failed by not teaching more courageously. I disagreed with him and pointed to several examples of his ministry that led others to be more inclusive and loving. Still, it was difficult to see the look in his eyes at that moment. I can’t promise that I won’t feel as though I have failed when my time in ministry comes to an end. But I can promise that I will try as much as possible to share the teachings that challenge us - especially me - to greater and more widespread love and less fear.